Disappointing monsters chronicles the surreal adventures of a small boy, his zombie life-mate, and other stuff.
Like magic pants. And Frankensteins.



A small cynical boy of indeterminate age who enjoys the finer things in life. Backyard karate; stretchy action figures; and sandwiches with the crust cut as far off as possible are all well within his purview. Charmingly cynical and possessing no discernible skills, one might wonder why he has chosen a life of horror, living with creatures of the night, and how he has survived so many harrowing ordeals. When asked, he simply hid in a cupboard until his questioners got hungry and wandered off for a late dinner.


A local zombie who has lived far longer than he can remember, so he chooses to substitute forgotten reality with fantasy. He and Gilbert are the bestest of bros and Edison would literally take a bullet for him. He is probably the best candidate for said task anyway as bullets, despite many attempts to the contrary, don’t have much effect on him. Excitable, over-enthusiastic, a rotting body and brains to match; he may not make the best decisions, but damned if he isn’t committed to them.


High priest of the Great Old Ones. Harbinger of destruction. Architect of madness. World’s best Elder God. Total jerk. Cthulhu is just some jerk that moved into Gilbert’s closet and now everyone has to deal with him. Everything in that closet has been lost in vast storm of madness turned reality. Good luck getting your Pogs back. He is a grouchy creature from a time of legends when gargantuan Gods roamed the mortal plane. A great thinker once proposed that due to the terrible Gods of Old being much much taller than his diminutive 3 1/2 foot frame, Yog-Sothoth and the others would often make rude comments at his expense, thus explaining his rather sour demeanour. This was not a very popular theory as his peers simply believed that Cthulhu is, and always has been, a complete jerk.


Ripped straight from a madman’s fever dream, Pennywise’s very name can petrify the minds of children everywhere; not enough children to keep him gainfully employed, however. Recently let go due to poor performance reviews, he now searches for what it means to be a psychotic killer clown in a modern Cirque Du Soleil world. Clowning used to inspire a fear found deep in the hearts of children, now it merely inspires whimsey and wonderment. Stricken by this realization, Pennywise has headed on a vision quest to find who his inner lunatic really is. Lately, he and Cthulhu have struck up a fantastic friendship that will end in no less than picnics on the beach, wednesday night board games, and the destruction of reality as we know it.